The Leadership Work No One Sees
It was a very familiar conversation. Two leaders were relaying back what a Manager had said. It was a reactive statement—one too easy to repeat—made from a defensive posture. It had only escalated, and now it was spreading around the company like wildfire.
It took too many conversations and too many hours to sort it out—and at the end, the Manager who had recklessly spoken out owned up to it and explained what was behind the reactive comment. Eventually, order was restored, lessons were learned, growth happened, and new patterns were established to build trust.
But as we all know, it doesn’t always end up this way. Sometimes these reactive comments can bring down a whole company.
There’s a moment every leader knows—but few talk about.
It’s the moment when something hits a nerve. A comment feels off. A situation escalates. A decision doesn’t go your way. And suddenly, your internal world shifts.
Your heart rate rises. Your thoughts speed up. Your patience thins.
That’s not a leadership failure.
That’s a human moment.
But what you do next—that’s leadership.
At the core of emotional intelligence is this truth: leadership requires the ability to create space between what happens to you and how you respond.That space is where regulation lives. And regulation is what allows you to stay grounded, clear, and intentional—even when you’re triggered.
But before you can regulate, you have to notice when you’re off.
Dysregulation doesn’t always look dramatic. Often, it’s subtle:
You feel reactive or defensive.
Your tone sharpens or becomes short.
You feel urgency to respond right now.
Your thinking becomes narrow or all-or-nothing.
You feel either overwhelmed…or emotionally shut down.
These are signals—not problems.
Your body is telling you something needs attention.
The goal isn’t to eliminate these responses.
It’s to recognize them early enough to lead through them.
So, here are five ways to regulate in the moment —
When you feel triggered, you don’t need a perfect strategy.
You need a simple way to come back to yourself.
1. Breathe to Reset Your Body
Slow, intentional breathing (in for 4, out for 6) signals safety to your nervous system. It’s the fastest way to calm your physical response.
2. Name What’s Happening
Quietly acknowledge: “I’m feeling defensive” or “I’m overwhelmed right now.”
Naming creates distance between you and the reaction.
3. Slow the Moment Down
You don’t have to respond immediately.
Say, “Let me think about that,” or pause before speaking. Time creates clarity.
4. Ground Yourself Physically
Feel your feet on the floor. Sit back in your chair. Notice your surroundings.
This pulls you out of your head and back into the present.
5. Reconnect to Your Intention
Ask: “How do I want to show up right now?”
Let your values—not your emotions—lead your next step.
This ability to use your emotional intelligence to regulate matters because your team doesn’t need a perfect leader… they need a regulated one.
And when you can stay grounded in the middle of pressure, you create stability for everyone around you. You model what it looks like to handle tension without escalating it. You turn reactive moments into intentional ones.
And over time, that changes the culture—not through control, but through consistency.
Leadership isn’t proven when everything is calm.
It’s revealed in the moments when you’re triggered—and choose to lead anyway.
