Hello Friends! Here’s what I want to normalize about seasons of change: we often are assaulted by thoughts and beliefs at the crossroads of life. It is the thread I pull in each conversation with clients facing change…what are you believing? My clients are used to that question by now and actually show up telling me which beliefs are helpful and which ones are not. Here’s how a recent conversation went with an executive preparing for advancement:
Client: I’m nervous about my upcoming advancement and I’m already aware of my false beliefs around them.
Me: Great…put the false beliefs out there and let’s shed some light on them so we can get our collective clarity together.
Client: I won’t know what to do when I’m leading the group and some individuals are not happy with the decisions.
Me: Sounds like you are nervous about holding the balance between caring for the group and for the individual.
Exactly.
What belief would you like to replace it with?
Maybe something like…”I’ll know when I need to care for the group and when I need to have the individual conversation”…??
Will you always get it right?
No…and I already know what you’re going to say…I get to take the pressure off of myself to be perfect.
(Ha!…she knows me so well)
Yep. That’s exactly what I was going to say. 😉 What belief would you like to replace it with?
How about a suggestion?
Sure. Maybe something like, “When I miss the balance, I get to have an individual check-in or a team check-in to get my clarity.”
Yeah, I like that. It reminds me that I don’t have to do it all perfectly, and working with people can be very unpredictable. I just get to trust that I have what it takes to address it when it comes up.
Exactly. Now how do you feel about your beliefs?
So much better. And I’m also remembering our conversation that I will disappoint people as a leader. It has freed me up so much!
Yes, disappointment is a necessary emotion people often have to move through as they sort out new levels of growth. And if we keep trying to prevent disappointment, our focus is on the wrong thing. More importantly, if people can’t move through their emotions, important learning can’t take place.
So true! Change can make everyone nervous. And I can circle around with people to check in to see how they are doing individually.
Exactly…and remember that we get to offer empathy without taking responsibility for their discomfort. Discomfort is what happens when we grow.
I think I just heard a new true belief I want to adopt – “I can offer empathy without taking responsibility for their emotions.”
Love it! This one is one of my favorite true beliefs. Compassion and empathy are so important to offer, but it can work against us when we try and protect them from the hard emotions they need to grapple with in order to grow.
This is just a snippet of a conversation that is similar to the many I have had over the years. Did you see how she jumped right in to discuss the beliefs she knew were haunting her around this upcoming change? This is what each of you can do.
Learn to check your beliefs at the crossroads and choose to form new ones that will help you take on the challenges in front of you. And if you have a hard time shifting out of what you know to be a harmful belief– or what I call a false belief– ask a trusted guide or friend in your life to help you form a new one. I find this to be the hardest part, but once you start practicing hearing what you are believing and choosing to evaluate if it is helpful or not… it makes all the difference.